How to … ask for advice and give advice tactfully

When we are giving sensitive advice (which could be embarrassing for the person who receives it), we use phrases to prepare the listener. These help to soften the message. Several of these phrases focus on how the listener should view the advice.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but you can
sometimes come across as slightly rude.
I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but I’m not sure I want to be in the band anymore.
Don’t take it personally, but the clothes you wear to work aren’t always suitable for the office.

Speaking Topic: Giving and Receiving Advice

Discuss the following questions with a partner or in a group:

1. Think about a time when you received advice that helped you. What was the advice, and why was it helpful?

2. Have you ever given advice to someone that was difficult for them to accept? How did you handle the situation?

3. What are some ways to make advice sound more tactful and respectful?

4. How important is it to listen before giving advice? Can you give an example?

5. In your culture, how do people usually give advice? Is it direct or indirect? How does this compare to other cultures you know?

6. What role do emotions play when someone is giving and receiving advice?

7. How can body language and tone of voice affect the way advice is received?

8. What advice would you give to someone who is feeling stressed and overwhelmed?

This topic encourages you to practice using phrases from the lesson, share personal experiences, and think about effective communication when giving advice.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but …
I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but …
Don’t take it personally, but …
I’m telling you this as a friend.
To be honest, …

When giving advice tactfully, we often use modal verbs like could and might to soft en the message.

It might be a good idea to spend a bit more time preparing before you go for interviews.
You could try paying a bit more attention in meetings.

We also use perhaps and maybe to make it clear that our
advice is only a suggestion, not an order.

Maybe you should go to bed earlier.
Perhaps you should talk to your manager.

My advice would be to + infinitive without to
If you want my advice, you should …
You should definitely ...
Perhaps you should/ought to …
It’s probably/It might be a good idea to + infinitive without to
Have you thought about/considered + -ing form
If I were you, I’d …

Getting the Right Advice and Taking Wise Action
When life gets complicated, most people get advice from friends, family, or professionals. However, recent psychological research shows that how we take advice – and how others get help from us – involves complex mental processes that we're only beginning to understand.

Getting Into the Advice-Seeking Mindset
People get anxious when facing difficult decisions, which often triggers the need to get support from others. Neuroscientist Dr. Matthew Lieberman's research reveals that when we get stressed, our brains actually take control away from rational thinking areas and activate emotional processing regions. This explains why people sometimes get upset when receiving perfectly logical advice – their emotional brain hasn't taken time to process the stress first.

Body-oriented psychotherapy approaches, such as Somatic Experiencing, emphasize that we must get in touch with our physical sensations before we can take action effectively. When someone gets overwhelmed, their nervous system takes over, creating fight-or-flight responses that make it difficult to take advice rationally. Therapists now get clients to take deep breaths and get grounded physically before discussing solutions.

Taking the Right Approach to Giving Advice
Modern psychology suggests that effective advisors get results by first helping people take stock of their situation. Dr. Kristin Neff's research on self-compassion shows that when people get critical of themselves, they take longer to implement changes. Instead of immediately trying to get people to take action, effective helpers get individuals to take ownership of their feelings without judgment.
Cognitive-behavioral research demonstrates that people get better outcomes when they take responsibility for generating their own solutions. Rather than telling someone to "get over it" or "take my word for it," skilled advisors get people talking and take note of their unique perspectives. This approach helps individuals get clarity and take steps that align with their values and circumstances.

Getting Real About Emotional Processing
Recent studies in emotional neuroscience reveal that people need to get emotional support before they can take practical advice. When someone gets hurt or gets disappointed, their brain takes time to process these feelings. Attempting to get someone to take logical steps too quickly often backfires.
Body-oriented therapists get clients to take notice of where they feel emotions physically. This approach, supported by research from Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, helps people get unstuck from trauma responses that prevent them from taking positive action. When people get connected to their bodily sensations, they can take better care of themselves and get more from therapeutic interventions.

Taking Cultural Factors Into Account
Cross-cultural psychology research shows that different societies get different results from various advice-giving styles. Some cultures get comfortable with direct suggestions, while others take offense at unsolicited guidance. Understanding these differences helps advisors get through to people more effectively and avoid situations where good intentions get misunderstood.
Dr. Sherry Turkle's research on digital communication reveals that people often get confused when trying to take advice through text messages or social media. Face-to-face interactions allow us to get feedback from body language and take cues from vocal tones, making advice more effective.

Getting Results Through Empowerment
Contemporary therapeutic approaches get people to take charge of their healing process. Rather than having experts get patients to take prescribed actions, modern psychology gets individuals to take initiative in their own recovery. This empowerment model helps people get confidence and take ownership of lasting changes.
Research shows that when people get encouragement to take small steps consistently, they get momentum and take bigger risks over time. The key is helping individuals get started without pressure to take on too much initially.
Effective advice-giving requires understanding how people get ready to take advice and supporting them through the emotional and physical processes that take place during change. By getting sensitive to these psychological factors, we can take part in genuinely helpful relationships that get people moving toward their goals.

When giving advice, the way you say something is just as important as what you say. Using a tactful pitch means speaking in a calm, gentle, and respectful voice. This helps the listener feel comfortable and respected, even if the advice is about something difficult.

Here are some tips for using pitch and tone to sound tactful:

1. Speak softly and clearly: A loud or harsh voice can make advice sound like an order. Soft and clear speech shows kindness and care.

2. Use a steady and moderate pace: Speaking too quickly can sound rushed or impatient, while speaking very slowly might seem insincere. A steady pace helps the listener focus and understand.

3. Avoid sharp or rising tones at the end of sentences that might sound like criticism or surprise. Instead, use a gentle falling tone to show confidence and calmness.

4. Smile while speaking: Even though the listener cannot see your face, smiling changes the way your voice sounds and makes it warmer and more friendly.

5. Pause between important points: This gives the listener time to think and shows that you are thoughtful.

6. Match your tone to the situation: If the advice is serious, keep your tone respectful and sincere. If it is light or encouraging, your tone can be more cheerful.

Using these pitch techniques will help you sound more tactful when giving advice, making it easier for others to accept and appreciate your suggestions.

Fillers are words or sounds we use while speaking to fill pauses when we're thinking, searching for words, or organizing our thoughts. They help keep the conversation flowing naturally and give us time to think without creating awkward silences.
Examples:

"Um, I think we should, like, maybe go to the restaurant."
"Well, you know, it's actually quite difficult."
"So, basically, I mean, it was a great experience."

📋 COMMON ENGLISH FILLERS
Hesitation Sounds

"um" /ʌm/ - most common hesitation sound
"uh" /ʌ/ - short hesitation sound
"er" /ɜː/ - British English hesitation (like "uh")

Usage:

"Um, can you help me with this?"
"I think, uh, we need to leave soon."
"Er, what time does the meeting start?"

Thinking Time Words

"well" - gives time to think or introduces a response
"so" - transitions between ideas or introduces conclusions
"now" - draws attention or changes topics
"right" - confirms understanding or transitions

Usage:

"Well, that's an interesting question."
"So, what do you think we should do?"
"Now, let's move on to the next topic."
"Right, shall we begin?"

Approximation Fillers

"like" - shows approximation or introduces examples
"sort of" - indicates something is partly true
"kind of" - similar to "sort of," shows uncertainty
"you know" - appeals for understanding or agreement

Usage:

"It was, like, really expensive."
"I'm sort of tired today."
"It's kind of complicated to explain."
"You know what I mean?"

Clarification Fillers

"I mean" - clarifies or corrects what you just said
"actually" - adds emphasis or corrects information
"basically" - simplifies or summarizes
"literally" - emphasizes (often overused)

Usage:

"I don't like it. I mean, it's not terrible, but..."
"It's actually quite easy when you know how."
"Basically, we need more time."
"I literally couldn't believe it!"

🎯 FUNCTIONS OF FILLERS
1. Buying Thinking Time
When you need a moment to organize your thoughts:

"Um, let me think about that."
"Well, that's a good question."
"So, how should I put this?"

2. Showing Uncertainty
When you're not completely sure:

"I think it's, like, around 3 o'clock."
"It's sort of blue, but not exactly."
"She's kind of busy this week."

3. Softening Direct Statements
Making statements less forceful:

"You're, um, not quite right about that."
"Well, I actually disagree."
"I think you should, you know, be more careful."

4. Keeping the Conversation Going
Maintaining your turn to speak:

"So, um, what I was saying was..."
"Like I said before, well, actually..."
"You know, I mean, it's really important."

📊 FORMAL VS. INFORMAL CONTEXTS
🔒 Formal Situations (Use Sparingly)
Business meetings, presentations, job interviews, academic discussions
Better alternatives:

Instead of "um" → pause silently or say "Let me consider that"
Instead of "like" → "such as" or "for example"
Instead of "you know" → "as you're aware" or "obviously"
Instead of "basically" → "essentially" or "fundamentally"

Example:
❌ "So, um, like, our sales are basically doing well, you know?"
✅ "Our sales are performing well this quarter."
🔓 Informal Situations (Natural and Acceptable)
Casual conversations, friendly chats, social interactions
Fillers are completely normal and help you sound natural:

"So, how was your weekend?"
"Well, you know, it was pretty good actually."
"I went to this restaurant, and it was, like, amazing!"

⚠️ COMMON MISTAKES AND OVERUSE
Problem 1: Too Many Fillers
❌ "So, um, like, I was, you know, sort of thinking that, well, maybe we could, like, go to the cinema or something."
✅ "I was thinking maybe we could go to the cinema."
Problem 2: Wrong Context
❌ "The quarterly report shows that, like, profits are basically up." (too informal for business)
✅ "The quarterly report shows that profits have increased."
Problem 3: Misusing "Literally"
❌ "I literally died when I heard the news." (impossible)
✅ "I was shocked when I heard the news."
Problem 4: Overusing "Like"
❌ "She was like, 'I can't believe it,' and I was like, 'I know, right?' and she was like..."
✅ "She said, 'I can't believe it,' and I agreed with her."
🎓 TIPS FOR B2 LEARNERS
For Listening

Don't translate fillers - they don't have specific meanings
Focus on the main message - ignore most fillers when listening
Recognize natural speech - native speakers use fillers constantly
Understand attitudes - fillers show confidence levels and emotions

For Speaking

Use fillers sparingly - a few are natural, too many are distracting
Practice silent pauses - sometimes silence is better than fillers
Learn alternatives - develop more sophisticated thinking-time phrases
Record yourself - notice your filler habits and work on reducing them

Context Awareness

Match the situation - formal vs. informal contexts need different approaches
Observe native speakers - notice how they use fillers in different situations
Practice register switching - learn to adjust your filler use appropriately